is it just me?

Several years ago I got a notice from my principal that I would be going to a meeting in the next week or so. He didn't know much about it when I asked him, but he passed on all of the information he had received. Turns out it was a committee of teachers from across the state - around 10 of us - and a representative from the state department and the testing company that handles our state testing. And I have gone to these meetings a few times each year since that first meeting.

It is always a two day event held in Little Rock. For those of us who live several miles away, rooms are provided at the hotel where we meet. It's a nice hotel. The beds are very comfortable. The rooms are a nice size. And it's so convenient to get up the second morning and just walk downstairs for the day's meeting. And I usually have a chance to do a bit of shopping.

I get the invitation for the meeting a few months in advance. I've known for quite some now that I would be going to a meeting this week. And I had a plan. On my reading list for the summer was the Fifty Shades series. Of course, there is nowhere around here to get the books, so I planned to go to the bookstore on the first day of my overnight stay in Little Rock. I have the Kindle app and could have downloaded the book - but I wanted to have the actual book in my hand.

My Wednesday started out great. I met friends and did our morning running. I finished week 5. It was humid, even at 5:15. And already hot. I was a sweaty, stinky mess when I finished my run. I returned home, enjoyed coffee, wrote a post, took my shower, packed my bag, and headed to Little Rock. After that drive my legs were a bit sore when I walked into the hotel. I grabbed some lunch at the restaurant and went in for the meeting. For the next several hours, I sat. The longer I sat, the more sore my calves got. When the meeting was over and I went to check-in, I felt a few cramps in my now very sore calves. I decided to just take my things to my room, go to the bookstore, get my books, and come back to the hotel. On my way back to the truck, I made a detour just to check - I thought a soak in a hot tub would feel great. Unfortunately, there was no hot tub, and now I had a few more steps to make to get to my truck.

After driving across town to the bookstore, my legs were really starting to cramp. It was painful. But I wanted those books and would probably buy more. I had been waiting for a chance to go to the book store for several weeks. I found the second and third books near the door. I also found two other books that I wanted. Now I just needed that first Shades books.But it was nowhere to be found, and neither was a store employee. My sore, cramping calves and I hobbled around the store for almost 45 minutes before I found an employee. It seems that the computer near the front of the store can't be trusted to know what is in the store and what is not. The guy asked if I wanted him to order the book. Seriously? If I wanted to order it, I wouldn't have waited for several weeks and driven all the way across town.to purchase the book. I put down the books in my hands and huffed out of the store.

I honestly thought about just going back to the hotel. My calves were hurting that bad. But I decided that I had to go to Target and get some IcyHot or something. So drive to Target, hobble to the back of the store, and guess what? There's that first book, and the third book, but no second book. Uugghhh! I had just put that back at the bookstore. But I was so mad. But I was so ticked about having to walk around for that long with no help, and my calves were cramping so bad, that I just wanted to go back to the hotel. I went looking for IcyHot. Found it near the Epsom salts. A soak sounded so comforting at that time.

I got back to the hotel and again hobbled to my room. I went down to get ice so that I could take some Ibuprofen. Came back and realized that that bathroom floor was covered in water. I grabbed a towel and threw it to the floor. Put there was quiet a lot of water. On previous visits, I once had to move rooms because the lock wouldnt' work and once my air conditioner  didn't cool. I knew the routine. A call to the front desk. They assured me that maintenance would be right up. Just when I thought my door should be rattling, the phone rang. Turns out the maintenance man was also the van driver and had gone to the airport. So I waited. I couldn't fill the tub to soak my calves because I didn't know where the water was coming from, and I didn't want to flood the entire room. So I grabbed my book and turn on the lamp nearest the chair.

Of course just as soon as I got comfortable, the phone rang - the maintenance man would be knocking soon. But he didn't come so I sat back down. Then the knock came. I hobbled over and let him in. he checked the bathroom and told me that me would be right back. Back to the chair for reading, but wait - where did my light go. The bulb had burned out. I decided that I could read from the bed. I moved my things and reached to turn the lamp on. There was no button. And then another knock at the door. The maintenance guy brought my clean towels to replace the ones I had used to soak up the water. And he told me that he had to go to his workshop and would be back. I asked him for the second time if it would just be better for me to move to another room. He assured me that I would be fine. I just wanted to take a bath and read my book, with a lamp that worked. And not have to get up to answer the door another time.

But he came back. And I had to waddle to the door again. I stood at the bathroom door while he worked. I asked again about changing rooms. But again, he assured me that I would be okay. Little did he know that by telling me this and knock repeatedly on my door, he was the one that was taking risks. He tightened something on the toilet, placed a towel around it, and told me that it should be fine. When he left I no longer had any desire to take a bath - I didn't want to enter that bathroom.

I rubbed the IcyHot on my still cramping calves, crawled in the bed, and started my book. I was burning up. After several minutes, I got back up to check the thermostat. An hour or so later, I was checking it again. I decided that my air wasn't working properly. I was not happy - a flooded bathroom, lamps that didn't work, and now the room wouldn't cool down. Had my legs not been cramping so much, I would have stormed down to front desk and thrown a huge fit.

An hour or so later I was up messing with the thermostat again. The air was working. It just wouldn't cool down enough. My normal night time house temperature is 68 - the room was about 75. I can't sleep at 75. I went into the hallway; it was cooler out there. After a few minutes, I shuffled back to the bed, rubbed on more IcyHot, and kept reading. Finally a little after 2:00 the room was down to about 70, and I feel asleep. It was very difficult to pull myself out of bed when my alarm went off at 6:00.

Why me? The next morning, the committee members discussed their glorious rests the night before. Why is it that I get the room with a near dead A/C? When so many of those cold-natured people would have never noticed.

accountability

A few years ago administrators everywhere learned this word, and now teachers hear it at every meeting. I, personally, get sick of it by about lunch of the second day back to school. However, there is something to be said about being held accountable. I have started this running app many, many times. Each time I would say this time I will finish it. But I never have. One time I hurt my knee. One time I got sick for a few days. And several times, I just got lazy or it rained or it was too hot or it was too cold or a million other excuses - but I didn't finish. I'm not sure I ever finished w4d1.

But this time I was determined to finish it. To not only get past week 4 but to finish the entire app and actually run. But hadn't I told myself that a million other times about one exercise plan or another. Haven't we all done that? But something is different this time. This morning I finished week 5. Can I get a Whoop-whoop! Yes, you heard me correctly. I finished week 5. This morning. As in I've already done it. This time I haven't let a million excuses stop me. It hasn't been easy. It ain't pretty! But I'm doing it. I've had this phobia about running in front of people. You know - I'm too sweaty. I'm too slow. I'm too jiggly. But this time, I kept my schedule. I ran at the lake. I ran past my neighbor's house while he was outside. And this week I started running with friends. Two mornings this week I have gotten up before 5a.m. and met friends for early morning running. The broken toe has slowed me down a bit. Sunday morning, I started running with Lovey and had to walk the second half because my toe hurt so bad (I had stumped it the night before). But the next morning I got up and reran that day - and finished it. This time, I started out running my three days a week and walking the other days. And I have only skipped a few walking mornings. I didn't walk or run or anything yesterday. And you know what? I just didn't feel good all day. About halfway through the afternoon, I thought to myself, If I would have gone running this morning, I would feel better. Seriously! I really thought that! And even more importantly, I believe it.

So what's so different this time? What's making me change the way I think. This time I find myself planning my day around my exercise. For years, I tried to fit exercise into my day - it rarely worked. Something almost always bumped it further and further down the list. I couldn't walk after school because I had afterschool tutoring. I would do morning walks all summer and then stop when school started, planning to do it later in the day. But the time was just never right later in the day. This time, I have caught myself saying, Can't do that, I have to run in the morning. or Well I'll have to run first. or even Want to run with me? Just the other day my momma asked me if I was dieting too. My answer to that was a big NO. I haven't let the scales deter me. In the past, I would set myself up for failure. I changed everything at once and then couldn't stick with it. Or I would get on the scales and not see much of a change and get discouraged and quit it all. Oh, I've gotten on the scales almost everyday - they just tell me the same thing over and over again. For the last few weeks, I've lost and gained back and lost again the same 3 or 4 pounds. And I'm sort of okay with that. Would I like the weight to be dropping off? Hell yeah. But I'm just not worrying about it. This is not about me losing weight - this is about me finishing the running app. I'll worry about the numbers on the scale when I can run 30 minutes without needing an oxygen tank. And to be honest, my clothes are fitting a little more loosely. Good enough for me.

Is all of this change because of accountability? I've been posting about finishing the app. A few weeks ago, I committed to #4realfitnesschallenge. My New Year's resolution included fitness - I think I've started the c25k app three times since then. I resolved to lose 5 pounds a month and try a new recipe each week, but neither of those are happening. Running with friends has helped me this week. I really didn't want to get up this morning, but I knew they would be running so I did. They would have gone on without me and not even been upset that I didn't show up, but I wanted to run with them. The broken toe could have been a legitimate excuse to back out of the fitness challenge - but I refused to let that stop me. My little excursions this summer have been reasons to not run, but I've packed my shoes and my headphones and done it. I honestly believe that this time I have forgotten all about being accountable to the other stuff - like diets and scales, and I've been accountable to me. I don't want to fail me. I refuse to let myself down again. I've been asked several times if I plan to run a 5k when I finish the app, and honestly, I don't see that happening - but I just might.

I've got the first 20 minute run coming up soon. I'm debating whether I want to run that on my own or with the group. What would be the easiest? Running with the group increases my pace - not that my pace keeps up with theirs at all. What if I want to quit? Running with someone might push me to keep going. But running with someone might make me want to give up when my running pace slows down to not even someone else's walking pace. (It could happen, believe me.) See. These are the things that go through my mind now. I'm making decisions for me. Not for the scales. Not for the someone's challenge. Not for the blog. For me. What will work for me? I think accountability must come from within. It helps to have encouragement along the way. It helps to be challenged. It helps that someone will suffer with me. But until I want it for myself, none of the technology, none of the cheering, none of the questioning, none of the rewards in the world is going to make me do it. I'm doing it now because I finally decided that I would. I want to finish it more than I want to give in to the excuses. That's what is keeping me accountable right now.  

I'm thinking that I will start my school year by having my students discuss "accountability" and have them write about what is keeping them accountable. Do they know? Have they thought about it before? It could set a great pace for the year.